Ten Ways to Make Money Fast

Essays / 2019-12-28


Introduction

We all wish we could go back to our youth and plan our lives better instead of squandering all our resources on stupid bullshit and leaving ourselves destitute and depressed. Well you can’t go back but you can start making money now, today, with this easy guide.

Gambling

Gerard Jawkins was a janitor who got married when he was twenty-four years old. Janitors aren’t known for being rich or intelligent, but Mr. Jawkins was no average wage-slave. He hit the casino during his bachelor party, even though his timid friends told him to keep his money in his pocket. He only had three hundred dollars to his name and his friends said, “You need that for bills and groceries!”

A wise man once said that junkies think in terms of hours while great men think in terms of decades. Jawkins’ short-sighted friends wanted him to pay bills and buy groceries for this month. But what about next month? And the month after that?

“You can’t win if you don’t play,” Jawkins told them, and he proceeded to play the slots. Coin after coin he pumped his money into what I call The Potential-Machine, like a magic quantum box producing fortunes from chaos. Barely had Jawkins spent one hundred dollars before the slot machine screamed its dazzling reward: Twenty Thousand Dollars!

Simply put, Gambling is the easiest and best way to make money fast.

Freelance Surgery

Everybody knows that doctors are rich, but what nobody tells you is how long it takes to complete med-school, or how competitive the medical job market is. You need money now, not thirty years from now!

The other thing nobody tells you is you don’t need a degree or a “job” to practice medicine. Many computer programmers are self-taught. Why not doctors and dentists? You can illegally download medical e-textbooks through torrent sites (though I officially suggest you don’t), you can watch lectures and real surgeries on YouTube, and you can order medical equipment online.

Abortions, transplants, cosmetic surgery, sex changes… there’s a strong market for these procedures and the public is fed up with regulations, wait times, and the aloof attitudes of know-it-all “doctors.” Your best bet is to go for the low-hanging fruit by seeking out illegal immigrants and the desperately poor, and undercut the competition.

Not only will you rake in the cash by avoiding overhead costs, but you’ll be satisfying a dire need in today’s society: alternative healthcare is a basic human right.

Check the Couch Cushions

Ned Halford was an alcoholic, a junkie, and a high-school dropout. By the age of twenty-seven he had disintegrated into a twitching, barely bipedal skeleton with no personality. His only desires were to get drunk, get high, and sometimes eat a sandwich. Who would ever hire this poor man? How could he ever get enough money for his beloved sandwiches? How could he pay for his dope and booze?

But he did have one trick up his sleeve. He often invited fellow junkies over to his house to get high while sitting on his couch. People slept on his couch. People fucked on his couch. A couple people even died on his couch.

The couch was at least thirty years old and when you sat in it you would sink deep into its greasy embrace. And while you were uncomfortably folded into the sunken cushions, quarters and nickels would fall out of your pockets. Then those coins would fall beneath the cushions and into the no-man’s-land of crumbs and used condoms that lay in that gross crevice in the back of the couch.

It takes bravery and desperation to stick your hand in that crevice. You never know what might latch onto your finger or dig itself into your flesh while fumbling around in the darkness. But fortune favours the bold and Ned was willing to take the risk. He would often find one, even two dollars in change just waiting for somebody to take it.

You might ask if this is a legitimate long-term plan. I suggest combining this method with one or two other plans just to diversify and create multiple income streams. But it must have worked wonders for Ned, because he died of an overdose before his thirtieth birthday. If this method doesn’t work then where did such a loser get enough money to overdose in the first place? Food for thought.

Prostitution

Everybody needs love and everybody has love to give. The sad truth is that most people reserve their physical love for one or two “special” people in their lives. It’s not fair. A guy may see a dozen sexy women every day, but they won’t all let him fuck them.

It’s a sellers’ market.

Have you seen the quality of street-walking prostitutes these days? They all look like old drug addicts, but apparently they still manage to pay their bills just by generously selling their love. If you’re a fit young woman with hope in your heart and your whole future ahead of you then your market value is in its prime. You can charge three or four times more than those haggard old wenches. And in the end, what will it really cost you? Everybody likes getting laid. Imagine getting paid to get laid! You’d be retarded not to try it.

Most importantly, avoid pimps. They’ll take a large cut of your pay and try to control you with their rules. You’re an independent woman (or man) and you don’t need a man (or woman) to tell you what to do.

Mob Loans

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from mobster flicks it’s that mobsters have lots of money and sometimes they’ll lend that money to ambitious individuals who just need a little help. They won’t put you through the bureaucratic bullshit that major banks impose on their clients. A mobster will talk straight, tell you how it is, lend you some money, and gratefully accept repayment when your ship inevitably comes in.

And if you’d rather keep the money instead of paying it back, just keep it. What are they going to do? Call the cops? They don’t want to draw legal attention to themselves. Mob loans are free money.

Fraudulent Bank Deposits

This is a perpetually renewable resource if you do it right.

Let’s say you’re getting paid tomorrow but you need money today. You could use an ATM to deposit a cheque from your bank account into the same bank account that the cheque is from, and money appears like magic a day early! Now this sounds dishonest and illegal but you have to remember that the cheque probably won’t be processed until the next morning, which is when your legitimate paycheck will have been deposited anyway. So nobody loses.

But what if you’re not getting paid tomorrow? What if you’re never getting paid? Well you can still deposit that cheque today as long as you deposit another cheque early tomorrow. That way yesterday’s withdrawal will simply come out of today’s “deposit.” Each day you can increase the size of the deposit and just make up for it with an even bigger cheque the next day. When yesterday’s check gets processed this morning you will already have gone down to the ATM to deposit an even larger sum. This is the essence of profit. Working smart is better than working hard.

Breeding Spiders

Exotic pets are all the rage these days. From pythons to piranhas, tigers to locusts, komodo dragons to giraffes and back again, it seems like we’re all looking for our spirit guide. But you can’t always find these monsters at the pet store. Sometimes you need to seek out breeders and dealers.

Transform your bachelor pad into a spider farm and you’ll be raking in the cash. Full-grown exotic spiders can sell for anywhere from a few dollars to a hundred dollars and beyond. These arachnids often yield dozens or even hundreds of offspring when they reproduce. If you sell them all you’ll get rich quick. If you can’t sell all of them just set them free in your home where they will hunt and devour less interesting bugs like flies, ants, cockroaches, and possibly small rodents.

Yard Sale

Nothing says “summer” like a yard sale. Take a look around your apartment. Do you really need all that stuff? Hell no! You’ve got three lamps, four coffee mugs, two muffin tins (as if you’re ever going to bake muffins!), that old guitar… simplify your life by selling everything you don’t need. What is your television if not a distraction from your life’s work? Are you ever going to drink two cups of coffee at the same time? Are you really going to life those weights? Let somebody else be a sucker for materialism.

As an added bonus, yard-sales are a casual way to network. Smart people are out looking for bargains and this is your chance to meet them. Challenge your customers with hard questions about business, finance, and entrepreneurialism. You might just find your future business partner while negotiating over the price of your old spoons.

Write Self-Help Books

There’s a sucker born every minute and they all need help. But can we really cure their hopeless urge for guidance? No. All we can do is continuously satisfy their recurring desire to be saved from themselves. Just find out what kinds of things people want help with, do some research, and write a How-To guide for “championing” that thing.

You might ask yourself, “Am I really qualified to write a self-help book? I’m not an expert on anything!” The answer is YES, you are totally qualified. Remember, you’re not actually trying to HELP the reader with their problems. You’re just acknowledging their personal weaknesses, validating their self-worth despite their drawbacks, and making them feel like reading your book equals working toward some kind of transformation. In fact, the best business model here is to make them feel good about reading the book without actually helping them grow beyond the point where they need your “advice.” So in this case the less you know about the topic, and the more you use psychological manipulation instead of genuine advice, the more books you can expect to sell in the long run.

Get a Job

Sometimes a person (usually a man) will “start” what is called a “business.” A business provides goods or services, such as hats and sandwiches (goods), or legal advice and advertising (services). But one person usually cannot perform all the daily operations of that business by himself. So that person will pay another person money to do “jobs” for the business. For instance, if your father is a shoemaker and the local constabulary orders one hundred pairs of new shoes for next week, your father may offer somebody a job and pay them to make some of the shoes with him.

Very often the business owner will collect all the profits while paying the bare minimum to the person he has hired. So it’s not wise to depend on a job as a long-term plan for income, unless you enjoy letting somebody else make more money than you for the work that you do. Plus these jobs are usually very boring and repetitive, although many people have learned to pretend that they enjoy their jobs because then they don’t have to admit that they’re too weak and confused to take control of their own lives. But if you need money now then a job is often a reliable way of getting a little bit of money in return for a lot of time and energy.

Hostage Situation

Who is your favourite person? Perhaps it’s your mother, your child, or your best friend. Maybe it’s somebody who persevered with you through enormous hardships, and you came out stronger together. Maybe it’s somebody who you respect immensely and you strive to be more like them. Now imagine if somebody kidnapped that person. How much would you pay to have them returned safely? Probably a lot.

Let’s reverse the scenario. Now you’re the kidnapper and you have taken somebody’s child as a hostage. Probably the sweet, innocent offspring of a millionaire. Jackpot.

Deep down you’re a wonderful person. You’ll give the kid some cake and some toys, tell him stories and make him feel comfortable. But to the outside world you’ll present yourself as a ruthless child-murderer who’s desperate for cash. You can make any demands you want. A million dollars in gold bullion, two hookers and a helicopter.

First find a millionaire with a compassionate heart (that’s the hard part). Then find out who they love the most. Then kidnap that person in broad daylight along with some other, less lucrative hostages. The reason you want those lower-value hostages is because you will need to murder one or two of them to prove that you’re “serious.” Again, deep down you’re a really nice person, but you need to put on a show so that the millionaire will pay to get his kid back.

The cops will try to negotiate and take control of the situation. You just need to stay calm and murder hostages until you get paid. As soon as you get your money you can let the other hostages go and just pretend that you were one of the hostages all along.

Farewell

Our time together has been too brief, yet now we must part ways. I have watched you grow and transform from a lost child to a commanding adult and I know you are ready to launch yourself into the world of finance. Take these tools I have given you, go forth and prosper.